The Truth Behind Christmas

There are those in these United States who would object to the use of the word Christmas due to its so-called “religious implications.” To them I say this: poppycock. In order to justify the use of such extreme language, I must delve into the true history of the word Christmas.
Popular culture has long since perverted the term to mean something about a religious figure that may or may not have lived, died, and lived again, some 2000 years ago. Unfortunately this fact is inaccurate in several ways. Certain similarities, however, lead us to understand why the truth behind Christmas has been clouded so.
Research on the part of this journalist has revealed that the term Christmas was actually coined to commemorate the birth of this age’s greatest figure, Thomas Christ; Born some 20, not 2000, years ago.
This seems silly to most, because it is such common knowledge that Thomas Christ’s birthday was, in fact, on February 14th, as the myth’s surrounding his origins clearly state. It was revealed in the author’s research, however, that the event was so important that Ronald Regan decided that it must be celebrated twice during the year, and an appropriate date was chosen to coincide with Chanukah, a popular winter solstice festival at the time.
The term Christmas was coined by one Mr. Walter Mondale, who was asked to come up with an appropriate name for such an auspicious occasion. He chose Christmas, simply a contraction of Thomas Christ’s Massive Present Orgy. It was simple, effective, and wildly popular.
Since then, though, the message has been perverted from one of rampant opulence and awkward social obligation, the very qualities imbued in Thomas Christ himself; to one of peace and giving, qualities that Thomas Christ is widely known not to have in the slightest.
The reason so many people have a problem with use of the term “Merry Christmas” is simply because it has been confused with the birthday of the aforementioned ancient figure of some significance. This is where the term poppycock comes into play. The idea that there is any religious overtone to the term Christmas is simply poppycock, I say. There is nothing religious about Thomas Christ because he exists. In fact, he is the author of this article.
Without this so-called religious overtone, the very idea that a Merry Christmas shouldn’t be wished to everyone is truly absurd as it speaks to the very best in all of us: greed and the fear of getting less stuff.

Naked Sue

My friend is an Artist. This is his art. I like it.

The text reads from top to bottom:

SUE
Please, Tom, buy more of my comics.

CHRONO-BANDIT 1
She's totally getting naked now!

CHRONO-BANDIT 2
Sweet!

Clearly he's a genius.

New York City: A Love Letter

Dear New York City,
I love you. You have awakened something within me that I could not have imagined existing before finally expiriencing your glory. But it is true, I love you.
Finally visiting your loveliness was truely an awe inspiring expirience. Finally being able to be in your musical venues, walk your streets, be dragged into your Armani Exchange, and view films (well before their release date) in your upscale movie theaters and screening rooms, I now know why others are so obsessed. New York City, you are truely exceptional.
If you were a woman, and would have made love to you. Or at least tried as hard as I could, only to get to second base and have that be enough.
Alas New York City, it seems our love simply cannot be, for I am chained to this miserable pile of rotting misery, Springfield, OH. Know only that I love you and only you, and that someday, I shall return, even if it does cost nearly $800 dollars a month to live in squalor, and everything is at least $0.25 more expensive that everywhere else.
I don't care!
No cost of living is too high for your gleaming skyscrapers, and bustling cultural backbone! No price too much for your strong public transportation infrastructure, and convinient Taxi services if I'm feeling ritzy or too drunk! Nothing is too good for my very dear, New York City!
Let us run away together my urban mistress! Let us go and frolic in the warmth of our love; bask in the warm glow of our togetherness! No, no, of course we can't. Our love will simply never be, will it?
Oh New York City, all I ask is that you hold me in your heart, the way I hold you in mine. Even if I choose LA instead.
Yours Forever,
Thomas

Next Week: On A Very Special Circle of Hell

So I came back to Wittenberg after going home and pissing a whole bunch of people off. My personal theory is that there are too many people out there who are used to the concept of 'bitter-on-the-outside-nice-on-the-inside-Tom' and need to get used to 'solid-block-of-pure-bitterness-Tom.' The latter will find it easier if they get over themselves.
See? Bitter all over, baby.
Anyways, I get back to school and I'm all like "Dude! This schedule is worse then last year's fall schedule! Holy crap! I bombed last year's fall schedule!"
But my schedule's all like "Too bad, fucker, you've only got yourself to blame, bitch!"
So I'm like "Yeah right! I've heard it all before! Now it's on hardcore!"
The reality is, of course, that I've spent all of my free time walking in a big circle around campus staunchly avoiding any and all of my obligations.
Perhaps a play by play of my schedule will shed some light on my bitching and moaning.
Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I wake up in time for my 9:10 Weather and Climate class, where such concepts as 'the seasons come from the tilt of the Earth' and 'latitude and longitude are a big grid on the globe' do their best to keep me awake.
Right after that I go to Chinese class and weep softly to myself.
Next up at 11:30 is Applied Matrix Algebra. You read that correctly. Applied Matrix Algebra. Apparently I hit myself on the head very hard before registering for classes last Spring.
Later, at 1:50, I go to Principles of Computer Organization. I am typing this post during this class, to give you an idea.
Right afterwords I go to work for Network Specialist Action!
Tuesdays and Thursdays I have labs and stuff.
Interesting side note: I've become obsessed with E! Entertainment Television. I think that this is a side effect of not having HBO so I can watch Rome. Also I would like to point out that 101 Even Bigger Celebrity Oops! is the most addictive show ever. That Paris Hilton sure is wacky!
Speaking of Paris Hilton, I got a new cell phone! It's an amazing little device that has a color screen and a camera and, most importantly, an alarm! It usually wakes me up even!
One more frustration then I promise I'll let you go. You know what movie looks friggin' sweet? 2046. It's a Hong Kong Future Noir about a writer as he journeys through memories of his previous lovers. It looks friggin' SWEET!
There are two inherant problems with viewing this movie. First it is the sequel to another movie called In the Mood for Love. By itself, this isn't a huge problem, it's probably a great film too. Second though, where the hell do you find Hong Kong dramas in Springfield, Ohio? Where I ask you? Seriously, I had to send someone to Japan for the original version of Shall We Dance!
Ah well, I suppose it's all up to Amazon.

I'm Better Because I Care

I just finished reading issue one of The MiddleMan, a Viper comic. Never heard of Viper Comics? They publish Dead @ 17 and Karma Incorperated. Never heard of those either? Good. If you had then I wouldn't be nearly as cool for reading them.
That's because they're independant titles. Another being Strange Girl, from Image Comics. Don't read that either? Well don't start! You'll ruin it for the rest of me! It's only cool because I'm the only reader! There can be ONLY ONE, and that one is ME dammit!
Between the MiddleMan and Strange Girl, I've sure hammered out some really good Indie Comics for MYSELF! Maybe some other people, but ONLY A COUPLE.
I have to be so strict because as we all know, if too many other people like something, then it simply isn't cool. Take for instance Bishop Allen. Who are they you ask? YOU CAN'T KNOW THAT! If you knew how awesome a band they were, then you'd want to show up at their concerts, and then you'd ruin everything for those of us "in the know." It's the fact that we know that makes me cooler then you are. If I told you, that would be artificially increasing your coolness, and I can't get the reputation of a guy who just makes people cooler without them earning it.
I can't offer some advice for becoming as off-the-mainstream cool as me. Listen up because it's not like this is going to be posted indefinatly online or anything.

1) Go off the beaten path for a change.
If you frequent a coffee house which is often filled with people...go somewhere else. People suck. If other people are at a place, that place sucks.

2) Independent film isn't cool.
Only knowing a whole lot about old movies is remotly cool. This includes movies from the 80's. Except John Hughes. Way uncool.

3) There is no such thing as an independent video game.
You can't get those any cooler then they already are. Sorry.

4) Read old books so you can sound cooler then you are.
Captain Picard proved it, quoting Moby Dick from memory is pretty sweet. There's nothing like pulling out some pretentious assed book to prove your point.

5) Cool != Attractive
Sorry folks, noone said you could get chicks/dudes this way. I'm living proof.

6) Don't tell anyone about the cool thing you found!
This is self explanitory. The less cool everyone else is, the cooler you are. Get it, Punk?

There are probably more rules, if I think of them, too bad. They'll be cooler if I don't tell you.

Lord of the Ringtones

I was watching TV yesterday and came across a commercial so infuriating that I said right there, out loud, to myself, "holy buckets! That's even more infuriating then that Coors Light commercial set to Love Train!" That's really what I said. Don't believe me? Too bad.
Anyways, I was sitting there watching 101 Even Bigger Celebrity Oops for the 4th time this week, and I saw a Budwiser Ad synergistically tied to the movie Wedding Crashers. In this ad, a gaggle of women (I say gaggle of course because herd is inappropriate, as geese are far more flattering then any bovine) recieving the same kind of breifing as pilots get on aircraft carriers before they piss off their commanding officer's and get sent to Top Gun school. Of course, they're sitting in a living room (as we all know women are known to do in the middle of the day) and not the pilot's breifing room on an aircraft carrier. So the alpha of this pack is showing these women clips from Wedding Crashers telling them to be on the lookout of stars Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson (in their defense I'm also on the lookout for Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, as they own me $7.50 for this thing this one time) implying that they are trouble. One of the women asks about what they want, and the head honcho responds "to drink Budwiser and meet beautiful women like us!"
Stop right there. I know commercials are contrived, poorly written, and unrealistic, but this is the worst display I've seen since "you're wearing a bikini? But you're on your period!" Seriously folks, write your congressman - excuse me - congressperson, or your local ad writer or whoever is responsible for this cowpie writing we're shoving down the throats of women and forcing them to regurgitate in front of national audiences. It's embarressing just watching these poor women try and play these stupid lines as if that's how normal people talk or something. Speaking of terrible lines in ads, I hope I never get that "walking on water feeling" because with a last name like Christ, that could lead to all sorts of trouble.
Okay, since I'm sure you're all dying to know how that commercial ends I suppose I should tell you. After said atrocious comment, one of the other ladies asks "what should we do?"
The first lady (who gets all the great lines, I'll tell you what) replies "same thing we girls always do...play along!" BY THE HAMMER OF THOR, I WANT REVENGE! I mean it, bring me whoever is responsible for this drek and I will MAKE THEM PAY!
Interestingly enough, the content of this commercial isn't the thrust of today's "session." I'm here today to talk to you about why a commercial tie-in is the most obnoxious thing since Dirk Benedict took a nose dive.
That's right folks, it's synergy! The corporate practice wherein certain entities, all under the umbrella of the same Supercompany pool their resources to promote one another. Such as a Wedding Crashers/Budwiser commercial. Or more annoyingly, a Lord of the Rings/Verizon Wireless commercial! Now someone tell me, honestly now, WHAT DOES LORD OF THE RINGS HAVE TO DO WITH CELL PHONES? Is there a cell phone in the movie? I certainly hope not! If there were, I think the script would have looked a little different:

ARAGORN

I'm very worried about Frodo, Gandalf.

GANDALF

You don't have to be, good Ranger, for it is after the ninth hour and your free night and weekend minutes have kicked in.

GIMLEY

Verily! Verizon has the widest coverage area in all Middle Earth, surely thou aren't roming here in the fine city of Ministirith?

ARAGORN

Friends, you are right. However I do not wish to disturb the good Hobbit if he art busy. I will simply text him.

Or better yet:

MERRY

Gandalf, if the Steward of Gondor won't light the signal fire, how ever will we get the Riders of Rohan to ride?

GANDALF

The King of Rohan is on the In Network foolish took!

MERRY

Oh.

These scenes, although probably should have for the sake of my bladder, did not appear in any of the Lord of the Rings movies. This is probably justified on Peter Jackson's part. By extension though, it is NOT justifiable on Verizon's part, who are, by the way, somewhat notorious for this. Watch an episode of Smallville sometime. It's great how I can "hack" into Lex Luthor's mail by stealing his password from my God's Eye View from the show, but then to spend more money texting away to learn secrets about the future of the show that it would probably be more gratifying to just watch anyways? I'll pass, thanks.

At least they use cell phones on Smallville.

Plannerology: Religion or Cult?

You know what's great? My PLANNER! That's what! Because it's not a planner, it's a WAY OF LIFE. I was at OfficeMax the other day, and I was looking at the planners there (of which there are about 500,000,000) and I noticed the FranklinCovey planners there. I remembered the name of course, from the stores that are peppering malls across the nation now. They are, as I have come to know, named for famous Founding Father Benjamin Franklin, and Stephen Covey, author of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, who is easily just as important, perhaps more so, then Benjamin what's-his-name will ever be.
What drew me to the FranklinCovey system was the presence of an introduction page.
"Have you ever felt like you just couldn't get it all together?" the planner asked.
"YES!" I replied enthusiastically.
The next paragraph continues "We at FranklinCovey Co. have created the perfect solution for helping you pull it all together so you can make the most of your life."
"PERFECT?" I was astounded. "What kind of magical elixer, or perhaps brain ray, could be the PERFECT SOLUTION for helping ME pull it all together?" I inquired vehemently.
"It's the Franklin Planner®, and it contains all the instructions and tools to help you organize your life and live it how you've always wanted to." The introduction page explained to me calmly.
"MERCIFUL ODIN'S BEARD! Could it be that I've finally found the one tool that will solve ALL my problems with organization?" I exclaimed. "But where does this system come from?"
"Years ago, " the planner begins it's tale. "Benjamin Franklin set out to discover and prioritize his values. He wanted to make the most of his time so that he could accomplish his goals and lift himself to amazing heights."
"Amazing heights? AMAZING HEIGHTS? But I would need help, and I don't know if anyone would want to help me do that." I replied sullenly. As I moved to put down the planner, it continued to relate its message.
"FranklinCovey wants to do that for you through the use of a model we call the Productivity Pyramid, along with your Franklin Planner."
"WHAT? You want to do this for ME? You must tell me more about this Productivity Pyramid!"
"The Pyramid is a model which helps you identify values, set goals, and plan your highest priorities." the planner described without a trace of the irony I'm used to with these sorts of things.
Of course, there was only one way to be sure, I had to dive head first into the FranklinCovey system. Their, lifestyle, if you will. I dropped the $42.79 ($39.99 without tax) at the counter and drove home, cuddling my new life in my arms. Did I say life? I MEANT it!
This thing isn't just a planner my friends. As I unwrapped each section of planner paper, I found numerous individual pages specifially designed for the planning and management of various areas of my life. First are the Planning Pages, which are two page spreads for each day. EACH DAY people! That's unheard of in the world of planning! I think the point is that if you can fill up both pages, you're too busy.
Of course there are the obligatory financial tracking pages, the address book, and of course the information pages. Blah blah blah, right? Wrong. This thing comes with instructions. There is a three tier philosophy behind the FranklinCovey Planning System. First you're supposed to keep all your information in one, easy to steal place. Next you keep it with you AT ALL TIMES ("This planner is your life, Anakin"). Finally you have to combine the planner with TRAINING. Holy CRAP! There's training?
Not only that, the starter set of pages (there are many others available, including dated refill pages, financial pages, pages made for Realtors, Freelance Business-people, even a planning pack to help bridezilla plan her wedding) comes with these self analysis pages in order to define and clarify your values, goal, and even write a "Personal Mission Statement."
This turned out to be a far more interesting uninformed impulse buy then most of my others. Like I said, the Covey in FranklinCovey comes from the author of the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, which is already sparking a revolution like the Common Sense of business in America. As much as my cynical mind really wants this to be crap, I'm beginning to think this might be the real deal. I'm already up to the Personal Mission Statement, and I've already felt like several things about myself have become clearer. Nothing I didn't already know, but many things which I may have taken for granted.
How annoying to have my own cynicism blown up in front of my very eyes. Also annoying is that it may be giving way to a very real sense of authentic optimism, which is weird. It seems though that I may very well be becoming a card (or planner) carrying member of the Church of Plannerology, a real True Believer.
Excelsior!