I'm Better Because I Care

I just finished reading issue one of The MiddleMan, a Viper comic. Never heard of Viper Comics? They publish Dead @ 17 and Karma Incorperated. Never heard of those either? Good. If you had then I wouldn't be nearly as cool for reading them.
That's because they're independant titles. Another being Strange Girl, from Image Comics. Don't read that either? Well don't start! You'll ruin it for the rest of me! It's only cool because I'm the only reader! There can be ONLY ONE, and that one is ME dammit!
Between the MiddleMan and Strange Girl, I've sure hammered out some really good Indie Comics for MYSELF! Maybe some other people, but ONLY A COUPLE.
I have to be so strict because as we all know, if too many other people like something, then it simply isn't cool. Take for instance Bishop Allen. Who are they you ask? YOU CAN'T KNOW THAT! If you knew how awesome a band they were, then you'd want to show up at their concerts, and then you'd ruin everything for those of us "in the know." It's the fact that we know that makes me cooler then you are. If I told you, that would be artificially increasing your coolness, and I can't get the reputation of a guy who just makes people cooler without them earning it.
I can't offer some advice for becoming as off-the-mainstream cool as me. Listen up because it's not like this is going to be posted indefinatly online or anything.

1) Go off the beaten path for a change.
If you frequent a coffee house which is often filled with people...go somewhere else. People suck. If other people are at a place, that place sucks.

2) Independent film isn't cool.
Only knowing a whole lot about old movies is remotly cool. This includes movies from the 80's. Except John Hughes. Way uncool.

3) There is no such thing as an independent video game.
You can't get those any cooler then they already are. Sorry.

4) Read old books so you can sound cooler then you are.
Captain Picard proved it, quoting Moby Dick from memory is pretty sweet. There's nothing like pulling out some pretentious assed book to prove your point.

5) Cool != Attractive
Sorry folks, noone said you could get chicks/dudes this way. I'm living proof.

6) Don't tell anyone about the cool thing you found!
This is self explanitory. The less cool everyone else is, the cooler you are. Get it, Punk?

There are probably more rules, if I think of them, too bad. They'll be cooler if I don't tell you.