Lord of the Ringtones

I was watching TV yesterday and came across a commercial so infuriating that I said right there, out loud, to myself, "holy buckets! That's even more infuriating then that Coors Light commercial set to Love Train!" That's really what I said. Don't believe me? Too bad.
Anyways, I was sitting there watching 101 Even Bigger Celebrity Oops for the 4th time this week, and I saw a Budwiser Ad synergistically tied to the movie Wedding Crashers. In this ad, a gaggle of women (I say gaggle of course because herd is inappropriate, as geese are far more flattering then any bovine) recieving the same kind of breifing as pilots get on aircraft carriers before they piss off their commanding officer's and get sent to Top Gun school. Of course, they're sitting in a living room (as we all know women are known to do in the middle of the day) and not the pilot's breifing room on an aircraft carrier. So the alpha of this pack is showing these women clips from Wedding Crashers telling them to be on the lookout of stars Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson (in their defense I'm also on the lookout for Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, as they own me $7.50 for this thing this one time) implying that they are trouble. One of the women asks about what they want, and the head honcho responds "to drink Budwiser and meet beautiful women like us!"
Stop right there. I know commercials are contrived, poorly written, and unrealistic, but this is the worst display I've seen since "you're wearing a bikini? But you're on your period!" Seriously folks, write your congressman - excuse me - congressperson, or your local ad writer or whoever is responsible for this cowpie writing we're shoving down the throats of women and forcing them to regurgitate in front of national audiences. It's embarressing just watching these poor women try and play these stupid lines as if that's how normal people talk or something. Speaking of terrible lines in ads, I hope I never get that "walking on water feeling" because with a last name like Christ, that could lead to all sorts of trouble.
Okay, since I'm sure you're all dying to know how that commercial ends I suppose I should tell you. After said atrocious comment, one of the other ladies asks "what should we do?"
The first lady (who gets all the great lines, I'll tell you what) replies "same thing we girls always do...play along!" BY THE HAMMER OF THOR, I WANT REVENGE! I mean it, bring me whoever is responsible for this drek and I will MAKE THEM PAY!
Interestingly enough, the content of this commercial isn't the thrust of today's "session." I'm here today to talk to you about why a commercial tie-in is the most obnoxious thing since Dirk Benedict took a nose dive.
That's right folks, it's synergy! The corporate practice wherein certain entities, all under the umbrella of the same Supercompany pool their resources to promote one another. Such as a Wedding Crashers/Budwiser commercial. Or more annoyingly, a Lord of the Rings/Verizon Wireless commercial! Now someone tell me, honestly now, WHAT DOES LORD OF THE RINGS HAVE TO DO WITH CELL PHONES? Is there a cell phone in the movie? I certainly hope not! If there were, I think the script would have looked a little different:

ARAGORN

I'm very worried about Frodo, Gandalf.

GANDALF

You don't have to be, good Ranger, for it is after the ninth hour and your free night and weekend minutes have kicked in.

GIMLEY

Verily! Verizon has the widest coverage area in all Middle Earth, surely thou aren't roming here in the fine city of Ministirith?

ARAGORN

Friends, you are right. However I do not wish to disturb the good Hobbit if he art busy. I will simply text him.

Or better yet:

MERRY

Gandalf, if the Steward of Gondor won't light the signal fire, how ever will we get the Riders of Rohan to ride?

GANDALF

The King of Rohan is on the In Network foolish took!

MERRY

Oh.

These scenes, although probably should have for the sake of my bladder, did not appear in any of the Lord of the Rings movies. This is probably justified on Peter Jackson's part. By extension though, it is NOT justifiable on Verizon's part, who are, by the way, somewhat notorious for this. Watch an episode of Smallville sometime. It's great how I can "hack" into Lex Luthor's mail by stealing his password from my God's Eye View from the show, but then to spend more money texting away to learn secrets about the future of the show that it would probably be more gratifying to just watch anyways? I'll pass, thanks.

At least they use cell phones on Smallville.