The Truth Behind Christmas

There are those in these United States who would object to the use of the word Christmas due to its so-called “religious implications.” To them I say this: poppycock. In order to justify the use of such extreme language, I must delve into the true history of the word Christmas.
Popular culture has long since perverted the term to mean something about a religious figure that may or may not have lived, died, and lived again, some 2000 years ago. Unfortunately this fact is inaccurate in several ways. Certain similarities, however, lead us to understand why the truth behind Christmas has been clouded so.
Research on the part of this journalist has revealed that the term Christmas was actually coined to commemorate the birth of this age’s greatest figure, Thomas Christ; Born some 20, not 2000, years ago.
This seems silly to most, because it is such common knowledge that Thomas Christ’s birthday was, in fact, on February 14th, as the myth’s surrounding his origins clearly state. It was revealed in the author’s research, however, that the event was so important that Ronald Regan decided that it must be celebrated twice during the year, and an appropriate date was chosen to coincide with Chanukah, a popular winter solstice festival at the time.
The term Christmas was coined by one Mr. Walter Mondale, who was asked to come up with an appropriate name for such an auspicious occasion. He chose Christmas, simply a contraction of Thomas Christ’s Massive Present Orgy. It was simple, effective, and wildly popular.
Since then, though, the message has been perverted from one of rampant opulence and awkward social obligation, the very qualities imbued in Thomas Christ himself; to one of peace and giving, qualities that Thomas Christ is widely known not to have in the slightest.
The reason so many people have a problem with use of the term “Merry Christmas” is simply because it has been confused with the birthday of the aforementioned ancient figure of some significance. This is where the term poppycock comes into play. The idea that there is any religious overtone to the term Christmas is simply poppycock, I say. There is nothing religious about Thomas Christ because he exists. In fact, he is the author of this article.
Without this so-called religious overtone, the very idea that a Merry Christmas shouldn’t be wished to everyone is truly absurd as it speaks to the very best in all of us: greed and the fear of getting less stuff.